Genesis of a Revenge Plot

“Can you please hurry up? I am getting late”, Kittunni shouted. 

“For God's sake please stop eating my head Kittu. It's only 4:30 pm. Reenu's birthday party is at 5 pm”, Manjulla replied in an even louder voice.

“Exactly! I am getting late”. Kittunni couldn't understand why his mother is not able to understand the importance of punctuality. 

“It's not as if you need to go to airport to catch a plane. Its just next door damn it!!!”, Manjulla said exasperated.  

“All the more important that I should be on time. What will they think of me otherwise?”, Kittunni asked looking at the mirror to adjust his hair.

“Trust me they will be happy if you go a little late”, Manjulla replied.

“No way! They would want me to be the first to arrive. That's what neighbors are for”

“Kittu, they will not be ready by 5 pm. When they say 5 pm they would expect people to come only by 6 pm”, Manjulla tried to explain. 

“Hey, just because you started my birthday party 1 hour late doesn't mean everyone is like you”, Kittunni retorted.

“Oh yeah! And how many of your friends turned up at 5 pm for your birthday eh?”, Manjulla questioned.

“Its not my fault I got dumbos as friends. I will show them the right way to do it.”, Kittunni responded.

“I give up. You go. Do whatever you want”, Manulla replied shaking her head.

“Hello! Dress me up first. Discharge your mother duties properly”, Kittunni replied back shaking his head also.

Finally, on the dot when clock struck 5 PM, Kittunni was ready. 

“Don't wait for me for dinner. Not sure when I will be back”, Kittunni said as he went out of the door not bothering to turn back.

2 mins later Kittunni was back, anger written all over the place.

“Oh! Mister Hotshot is back. Hope you had a great time at the party”, Manjulla said in a sarcastic tone.

“It's 5 PM and they are  just cleaning the house! Can you believe that?”, Kittunni asked incredulously.

“Oh yes I definitely can!”, Manjulla said laughing out loud.

Suddenly someone entered the house. It was the birthday girl Reenu.

“Reenu?”, Kittuni asked surprised. “What are you doing here following me back to my house?”

“My mama told me to come and sit with you till the house is clean. Thanks for inviting me in Kittu”

“When did I invite you?”, asked Kittunni

“Haha Oh Kittu you are so funny”, Reenu laughed giving a slight tap on Kittunni's right cheek.

“Hey!”, Kittunni cried out massaging his right cheek and looking at Reenu. “Stupid Girl”, he thought, but he restrained himself. Kittunni who was already angry dealing with unpunctual parents and neighbors, was getting really pissed off but he knew he couldn't let small things like getting slapped on one's face get in the way. He had a bigger goal that day - The Holy Grail. And that was in Reenu's house - The Return Gift.  

To kill time Kittunni started watching TV. Reenu was more interested in Kittu's toys which were all around the house. 

Half an hour later Kittunni was still in front of the TV, getting more irritated by the minute as he watched Reenu play with his toys.

“Useless girl!”, he thought. “Still in her pyjamas even after half an hour after the party was supposed to start. Hasn't her parents taught her anything?”

Kittunni considered the option of leaving Reenu in his house and going over to Reenu's house once again to try his luck. But then he realised that plan was a deadend - without the birthday girl cutting the birthday cake there is no way he was going to get his return gift. Another option was to ask her to leave his house and get ready but that plan too had its risk - Reenu can blacklist him from the birthday guest list.

As he was contemplating different options to get the birthday party kickstarted, Reenu suddenly turned to face him

“Kittu do you think I need to get ready?”, she asked innocently

“Is she really asking me whether she needs to get ready for HER birthday???”, he thought. Trying hard to put on a smile he said, “A wonderful idea Reenu. Please do”.

Finally at 6 PM the party started. 

By 6:30 Kittunni was back again

“Back so fast?”, Manjulla asked looking surprised.

Kittunni did not reply. He was holding a big carry bag. 

“Wow Kittu looks like you got a big return gift. Congrats”, Manjulla said. Kittunni did not reply. He looked very angry. Without uttering a single work he held out the carry bag in front of Manjulla and asked her to look inside. Manjulla peeped inside to see what it was. Deep down lay a tiny object. She put in her hand and took it out. 

“A lollypop?”, she asked in a confused tone

“Is this a joke?”, Kittunni said in an angry tone, frustration written all over his face. “Is this even a return gift? Whom do they think I am - a 3 year old?”. 

“Hahahahaha”, Manjulla just couldn't control her laughter. 

“And to think I spent Rs.500 for that stupid Chess Set”, Kittunni continued.

“Who spent?”, Manjulla asked with a raised eyebrow and both hands folded across the chest.

“You spent, I spent all same. That is not the point. Rs.500 vs Rs.5. What a waste of money. Instead of that Chess Set I could have just brought a Dairy Milk chocolate. I wouldn't have felt this angry”

“Kittu you should not measure a gift with its money. Learn to accept whatever you receive”, Manjulla said.

“Easy for you to say. You don't know what all I imagined seeing that big carry bag. All of that got crushed by a teeny weeny lollypop. Why do you need a bag of my size to keep a lollypop”

Manjulla was trying hard to suppress her laughter so as to respect Kttunni's feelings

Suddenly Reenu came running in. She was very excited

“Kittu how was my party. Hope you liked everything”

“Yeah Reenu it was fantastic. The best part was the lollypop. Thank you”, Kittunni replied sarcastically

“Oh you are welcome sweetie”, Reenu said giving a tap on Kittunni right cheek.

“Stop slapping me girl!”, Kittunni cried out, holding his right cheek

“Haha Auntie, Kittu is so funny no?”, this time giving a tap on the left cheek

"Aaarghhh", Kittunni cried out. He was losing it. This day has not at all gone according to his plans. Unaware of Kittunni's inner feelings, Reenu continued

“Kittu you know what? I got so many presents. A super racing car, a very nice looking Dart game, a nail polish set. Some idiot gave me a junk Chess Set, but other than that all other presents were very nice. Who gives a Chess Set as birthday present, no Kittu?”

That was it. The final nail on the coffin. Kittunni turned towards Manjulla. A silent communication transpired between them

“Either you kick this good-for-nothing girl out of my house or I swear I will do it”

Manjulla got the cue. She silently went over to Reenu to talk to her. When she came back, Kittu was busy browsing her mobile

“What are you doing?”, she asked. 

“Planning for my birthday”, Kittunni replied without even looking up from his mobile

“But that is 10 months away!”, Manjulla replied

“Don't care. I am ordering the smallest size lollypop that I can on Amazon today. This lollypop I will give it to her as her return gift”

“But in 10 months this lollypop will get spoilt”

An evil smile spread across Kittunni's face. 

“If my return gift was a good lollypop, then she will get a spoilt one! Revenge is best served cold Manju!”. With this, Kittunni went back to put in motion his plan to be executed in 10 months time. 

And the Academy Award for Best Director Goes to

 It was a dark scary night. The Pandavas made their way slowly across the dense forest. The eeriness of the forest was enhanced by the sounds of the insects chirping. Nothing moved in the vicinity. Leaves were falling from the trees in dozens, the rain splattered all around. The air moving...

“STOPPPP!!! What the hell are you doing?”, Kittunni cried out with a sense of utter confusion.

5 year old Kittunni was on a mission. He had a school project to do - A play based on Mahabharata for Women's day - and unfortunately he had asked for Mohan's help. For Mohan it was an opportunity to bring out the inner artist within himself. 

Mohan ventured to explain. “You see the house in which the Pandavas were staying was burnt down by the evil Purochana. Now they are escaping through the Jungle. I am describing the mood of  the Jungle”, Mohan replied.

“Mood of the Jungle? Since when did Jungles started having any moods? All I can see are leaves falling and insects flying. How is all this related to Women's day?”, Kittunni asked angrily. Its been an hour since he asked for Mohan's help for his project but it seems to be going nowhere.

“Kittu my boy, you have to set the context well before we get right into the meat of the plot. That is how artists are born”, Mohan explained.

“I don't care about meat or chicken. I just want to make sure Sulochanna teacher doesn't give me a D grade for this project work. And looking at all the rain falling and rats running here and there, I am not expecting even a F”

“Its insects chirping, not rats running!”, Mohan growled. Kittunni was encroaching into his poetic and artistic boundaries.

Kittunni stuck his tongue out and made a comic face.

Mohan did not give up. “Kittu, listen, hear me out. What I am trying to say is...”

“The boy is talking sense. Listen to him”, interrupted a voice. It came from the kitchen. It was Manjulla. She was in the middle of preparing lunch.

“Sense? What sense? Its just nonsense”, Mohan snorted.

“You are telling the story from the perspective of the Pandavas - MEN. Kittu's project is to convey the story from a woman's perspective”, Manjulla explained.

“Hmmmm.....Ok....Fair point”, Mohan said, calming down a little. He thought for a minute. “Ok how about this?”. Mohan started moving both his hands in opposite directions, imitating a person about to tell a suspense thriller. He puffed up his face to give a more dramatic effect. 

“It was a Daaark scary night. The Pandavas, along with Draupadi, made their way slowly across the dense forest. Draupadi saw that the eeeeeeriness of the forest was enhanced by the sounds of the insects chirping. Draupadi also saw that nothing moved in the vicinity. Draupadi also saw that leaves were falling from the trees....”

“Not insects and cockroaches again!”, Kittuni slammed his palm on his forehead.

“Hey! You wanted a woman in the story, I gave you a woman. Still you are complaining?”, Mohan barked, 

Kittunni looked at Manjulla to help him out. Manjulla looked at Mohan.

“Telling the same thing by stretching out the words and saying Draupadi saw this, Draupadi saw that doesn't make it a woman's perspective”, Manjulla pointed out.

“Ok Artist Manjulla, please enlighten us ordinary folks with your thoughts on how to present from a woman's perspective”, Mohan replied in a sarcastic tone.

“No need!”, declared Kittunni. “Looks like I need to do something myself”, he thought. Indicating to Mohan and Manjulla to wait for sometime, he stepped out of the house. Mohan and Manjulla looked at each other, clueless. After a while, Kittunni returned. He was followed by Shanmugham Appuppa, Radhamma Ammumma and their son Manu Anna, their neighbors. Kittunni spends almost half of his time at their home and both the families were close to each other.

Mohan and Manjulla looked surprised. “Hello Uncle, Aunty, Manu”, Mohan said, waving his hand.

“Hello Mohan and Manjulla, how are you guys”, Shanmugham Appuppa said warmly. “Kittunni said he was directing a play at school and wanted our help. Anything for our dear Kittunni”, He moved his hands affectionately over Kittunni's hair.

“Directing???", Mohan thought, looking quizzingly at Manjulla. From her expression, she had the same thoughts.

“Yes, that's correct!", Kittunni said, as if reading Mohan's and Manjulla's thoughts. “Looking at the disaster that has been unfolding till now, I have come to the conclusion that the adults in this house are useless. Hence I have decided to take things into my own hands”.

“But tell me one thing", Manu asked. "Why do you require us in your play? We can't come to your school and perform!”

“Aree Manu Anna, I am just practicing with all of you. Once I get it right here, I will ask Ruhan, Karthik and others to do it at School", Kittunni explained.

“Ok fine. What to you have in mind sirji", Mohan asked mockingly.

And then came the bomb.

“We are going to do the Draupadi Vastra Haran scene”, Kittunni declared loudly.

“WHAAT???", came the voices from all direction in unison chorus. Mohan almost fainted with shock.

“Do you even know what that means!!!”, he asked angrily.

Kittunni looked back at Mohan. “How old do you think I am?”

“I know exactly how old you are. Just answer the damn question”.

“Vastra means cloth - Dupatta. Hara means Green. So it means Draupadi's green Dupatta. Happy?”, Kittunni snapped back.

"Eh???", Mohan blurted out.

Awkward Silence. Everyone looked at each other, not sure how to respond. Manu was trying hard not to laugh.

“Err Kittu, who told you this story”, Manjulla asked. 

“Manu Anna”

Manu almost jumped. “What!!Me? No! When?”. He was no longer laughing. He could sense angry eyes boring onto him from all directions.

“Offo you forgot Manu Anna. Remember I brought to you this book which had this title 'Draupadi Vastra Haran'?. For some reason you told me not to read the book. When I insisted you told me the story yourself. Now to think of it, you never returned me that book”.

Memories started flooding back to Manu. A smile appeared on Manu's face. He turned to others. “Its ok. We are good”. Turning back to Kittunni he said, “Tell them the story that I told you”

“Alright. Here goes”, Kittunni said. 

“Once upon a time there was a king called Dhritarashtra. He had 100 sons - The Kauravas. His brother, Pandu, who died few years back, had 5 sons - The Pandavas. All of them were 5 years old - like me. Draupadi was the best friend of Pandavas. She always wore a Green Dupatta because that is her favourite dress. The Kauravas and Pandavas always fought with each other - they never shared their toys with each other. 

One day, Duryodhana, the eldest of the Kauravas, teased Yudhisthira, the eldest of the Pandavas, saying that he is better than Yudishthira at Snake and Ladder game. Yudhisthira said he was better. They decided to play it out and decide a winner. It was decided that whoever wins the game will get Draupadi's Green Duppatta. Poor Draupadi was in her make-up room without knowing her Duppatta was being put up for bet. They started playing. Duryodhana cheated by asking his uncle, Shakuni who was the State Champion of Snake and Ladder, to play on his behalf. Yudhisthira lost the game. Duryodhana started dancing -'Yudhisthira is a loser, Yudhisthira is a loser'. Then Duryodhana ordered his brother Dushasana to bring Draupadi to him so that he can get her Green Dupatta. 

When Bhim, the second Pandava and brother of Yudhisthira saw this, he secretly called up Draupadi in her mobile without anyone else seeing and told her what happened. Draupadi sensed danger. She calls up Krishna's mobile. Krishna was son of the Royal Tailor and was also Draupadi's friend. He was also a God. He had many powers. Krishna said don't worry I will help you. 

Soon Dushasan came and took Draupadi to the palace. Duryodhana told her your Green Dupatta is mine. Draupadi said no this is mine. Duryodhana told Dushasana to snatch it. Dushasana tried to snatch it. Draupadi prayed to Krishna. Since Krishna was a God and son of a tailor he started making Dupatta bigger and bigger magically. Dushasana pulled and pulled but the Dupatta was getting longer and longer. Atlast he got tired and fainted and fell down. Draupadi turned to Duryodhana and delivered a powerful speech that would be remembered in the years to come. She said 'Na na na boo boo, Na na na boo boo'. 

Thus we see how Draupadi was victimized and by delivering a strong speech to Duryodhana at the end, this story is very apt to be shown on Women's Day for which Sulochanna Teacher will definitely give me a minimum A+ if not A++”

Mohan let out a sign of relief. He went over to Manu and put a hand over his shoulder. “Thank you. That was very clever”. Manu nodded his head in acknowledgement and smiled.

Kittunni looked at Mohan smiling. “My father is so proud of me!”

Kittunni continued, “Ok everyone let's get to work. Acha you will be Dushasana since you look evil and ugly. Ammumma you can be Draupadi since you gave me 2 chocolates yesterday”.

Mohan looked at Radhamma, red in face with embarrassment. "Idiot!!!", he thought in his mind, but couldn't express it in front of others. He came close to Kittu's ears and whispered.

“Err Kittu I will be Yudhisthira. Let Appuppa be Dushasana”

“As if!!! It's my play and everyone will do as I say", Kittunni declared loud and stern. “Now go back to your place and start practicing pulling at Ammumma's Dupatta. I won't tolerate any mistakes”. 

And thus the play continued. 

No one knew for sure what grade Kittunni got for his play, but Mohan certainly learned a lesson - he might forget his own birthday, but he will never ever forget Women's day.

Bangalore Traffic: The End Game

It was a Monday morning. As if that was not bad enough, an important client, Mr Tataka from Japan, was visiting the office today. And if that was enough, it fell upon Mohan to personally welcome him and make him feel at home. It was an important deal that Mohan's company had been following up for last few months and it was in the final stages. 

All this came down to one single point - Mohan had to reach office by 9 AM sharp that day, come what may. Unlike Indians, the Japanese had a very bad habit of reaching office on time - which means he had to reach office by 9 AM IST - International Standard Time and not IST - Indian Standard Time - where 9 AM can mean any time between 9 AM and 9 PM. 

Motivational levels for Mohan had reached its crescendo that day - making it pretty easy for Mohan to jump out of his bed in an instant on a Monday morning. But not so for Manjulla and Kittunni. Each of them had their legs on the other's face. After all no one from Japan or Nigeria is coming to see them.

Mohan looked up at the clock - “Damn! Its already 7:30. How the hell will I get to office on time”

Technically speaking, covering 7 kms should be a matter of 20 minutes in any city, but then this is not any city - This is Bangalore.  If you live in Bangalore, you can order your breakfast via Swiggy in the middle of the road, get it delivered and finish it and still the car in front of you would not have moved even an inch. The honking, the distant wail of an ambulance stuck in traffic and the occasional cow deciding to take a nap in the middle of the road are enough to remind you that Newton's laws of motion never works in Bangalore - distance here is measured in hours rather than kilometers.

“Get up you lazybones, I have to reach office on time”, Mohan pleaded.

As if by practice or shared genetics - no one knows, two hands came out of their blankets followed by a chorus - "Five minutes”. And then the snoring resumed.

“What coordination”, thought an irritated Mohan. Without wasting anymore time, he then went on to complete his morning activities and get ready.

 By 7:45 sharp Mohan was ready. Expecting Manjulla and Kittunni to have done their part, he came straight to the kitchen expecting a delicious breakfast to begin the day. The kitchen was empty - just some flies looking for its own breakfast in the kitchen sink. Confused, he went into the bedroom. The mother son duo was still practicing complex yoga postures in their bed.

“GET UPPPP!!!!”, he shouted with the entire strength he had in his vocal chords.

Just like a Robot that swings into action on the push of a button, so did both of them jump out of the bed and went straight to their respective bathrooms. Messing with Mohan when he had a client visit was the last thing both Manjulla and Kittunni had wanted - Mohan turns into a rampaging bull drunk on ten bottles of vodka on such occasions - A Complete Lunatic. 

By 8:10 Kittunni and Mohan were ready to roll. Though breakfast was a disaster - yesterday's leftover chapathis - it didn't matter. Reaching office on time was of paramount importance today. Nothing else mattered. Since Kittunni's school was on the way to Mohan's office they had not opted for the school bus as Mohan used to drop him at school on the way to his office.

“I just hope I can make it in time”, Mohan said anxiously, looking at his watch.

Manjulla smirked. “Right! Considering it took you just 20 minutes to move out of our apartment parking lot yesterday”

Mohan sighed and started the car.

Five minutes into their drive, they hit the first traffic jam. A grand procession had taken over the main road. There was a big chariot and a big idol of Ganesha on it. The charioteer was blissfully unaware that hundreds of angry eyes were staring at him with murderous intent.

“Acha, why is that uncle riding on a chariot in the middle of the road?”, Kittuni asked innocently.

“Because he is a total nutcase”, Mohan replied, anger boiling inside him

“What's a nutcase? A case full of nuts? Cashewnuts or peanuts? Also is Almond a nut?”, Kittunni asked.

Mohan's head started spinning.

“Please keep quiet for 5 minutes please!”, he begged, continuously honking his horn. A middle finger came out of the driver's seat from the car in front. Mohan honked even harder.

Thirty minutes later, they had moved exactly 500 meters. The school was nowhere in sight. 

“How about I walk to school?” Kittunni asked.

“Shut up!” Mohan replied, irritated and angry.

“I bet I will reach faster than this dumb car”, Kittunni snapped back.

While Mohan was contemplating a response, a biker appeared from nowhere and zoomed past, narrowly missing their side mirror. Mohan jumped up and thrust his entire body out of the door window.

“You good for nothing idiot! You and your entire family will rot in hell for the next 10 generations.” Mohan shouted, flailing his hands wildly like a mad man. No one can mess with Mohan on a client visit day.

As Mohan wiggled back his bulky body back through the door window, he saw Kittunni staring at him, looking nonplussed.

“What? Its his fault. You saw how rashly he was driving...and that too on the footpath?”, Mohan said in a defensive tone

“Language Acha Language!” Kittunni gasped. “Parents are supposed to be role models. I have such a pathetic role model in my life. I am definitely reporting this to Amma!”

“Ungrateful wretch”, Mohan thought in his mind, but he couldn't afford to get on the wrong side of Manjulla. He quickly changed his tone.

“Ahem..I actually meant to say...Hmm...what an intelligent driver! Very creative way of using the footpath as a highway”

Kittunni nodded his head in approval.

Finally after 45 minutes of fighting the traffic, they finally reached the school. Mohan turned around to find Kittunni grinning.

“I told you I could have walked and reached earlier” he said smugly.

Mohan sighed. “C'mon fast. I am getting late”

Without waiting for a response, Mohan picked up Kittunni as if he was just a paper cup and ran towards the school gate.

“Hello Mohan sir, how are you today”, the security at the gate greeted Mohan.

“Hello Shantaram.....All good.....Hope the classes have not started", Mohan replied, trying to catch his breath in between.

“Classes? What classes sir? There are no classes today sirji”, Shantaram replied, looking confused.

“Sorry What?”, Mohan asked, equally confused.

“Yes sir. Today is Ganesh Chaturthi. Remember?”, Shantaram replied.

The world came tumbling down around Mohan

“What the hell will I do with him?”, Mohan cried out, pointing at Kittunni. Shantaram looked perplexed. “I don't now sir. Take him home?”, he said, unsure whether it was the correct answer to sir's question.

What happened next, no one was sure. There was a loud noise and the next moment a body was lying on the ground with tongue out and eyes bulging out. Mohan could see stars circling around his head. An angel, who oddly had the face of his client Mr Tataka and a ring over his head was waving him Tata goodbye and rising towards the sky, laughing all the way. This was followed by 2 more angels with name plates attached to their back. One was called Hike and another was called Promotion. As if that was not enough an angel with an even bigger nameplate came flying to him. The last thing he remembered before passing out was the name written on the nameplate - Dismissal.