Bravery

Attention all passengers. Welcome to Mumbai airport. The Indigo flight from Mumbai to Bangalore has been delayed by one hour due to some technical difficulties. Sorry for the inconvenience caused.

"Shit", Nandu muttered under her breath. She turned to face her hubby - obviously me, duh - "Hey, what are you reading", Nandu asked.

"Nothing, just scanning today's newspaper. Better than sitting and doing nothing other than wait for our flight I guess. Any idea in which page the astrology section appears?".

"Since when did you start reading all those crap", Nandu asked

"Since my last appraisal meeting"

"Why?"

"In the appraisal sheet one of the points was - How do you rate your contribution to the company. In my column I wrote Exceeds Expectations. In his column the manager wrote - Hahaha yeah right"

"Bad luck I guess", Nandu replied, sympathetically

"So I just want to see whether there are any good times ahead for me", I replied.

"Aha here it is", I said, atlast managing to find what I was looking for. "OK let's start with what your stars have got to say for the next month",  I said, giving Nandu a cunning smile.

"Hey it says you are blessed with a fantastic husband", I exclaimed. "Gosh there really is truth in these things"

"Now I am sure - astrology is bull shit", Nandu replied.

I stared hard at her. She looked back coolly.

"And it says", I continued, "you are poised to touch great heights".

"Hmm that could happen. My cubicle is getting shifted to the 13th floor next month"

"And that you could expect a surprise from your husband", I smiled

"Now what could that be", Nandu eyed me mischievously

"Ok yours done. Let me see mine. Now where is it....Hmm...Yeah got it".

"Cool, so what does it say", Nandu asked.

I read my 'future' for 2 minutes. I then looked at her with a frown on my face. "Apparently I am getting pregnant next month"

"Hahahaha so that is the surprise. Thank you honey for such a wonderful gift". She couldn't control her laughter. I threw away the paper. "You are right. This is just crap", I said. "I need to attend to nature's call now". I got up and went searching for the restroom.

I returned in five minutes. Nandu sensed something was wrong. "Wow that was fast. What happened", she said.

"The bathroom sucks", I told Nandu in an angry voice. "I can't believe they call this airport an international one". Nandu, seeing my face, just giggled.

"Actually this is the domestic terminal", she said

"Great"

All of a sudden there was a sense of uneasiness everywhere. People were whispering and pointing in some direction, airline staffs were running here and there. We didn't understand what was going on. I asked a person sitting next to our seat.

"Sir, you have any idea what is going on here".

"It seems there is some unknown package over there", he replied, pointing to a  seat, not far from where were seated. "It has been lying there for a long time now. The airport staffs have called in  the police".

"Oh. Guess it's not going to be a dull wait after all", I said

Soon a police constable arrived.

"Oyee what is happening here. Why are you all crowded around here", he asked in a rude tone

"Sir, we have found an unknown package lying here for a long time, unattended", one among the airport staff replied.

"So what. Someone must have forgotten his lunch box. So what's the big deal", the constable asked, maintaining his rude tone.

"Sir it could be a bomb"

The constable jumped 10 meters back

"Err you sure? It doesn't look any dangerous to me", the constable said, in a very hushed and tensed voice, lest he activated the 'bomb' with his decibel level. "What a waste of a morning", he muttered under his breath. He picked up his walkie talkie and called in his partner. "Oyee Balram, come to main entry lounge, we have a problem here".

Balram soon arrived and joined his partner Sukhram. He was soon updated about the situation.

"Ok so what are you waiting for. Go and open the package", Balram said

"Err me?...Hmm ok", Sukhram looked really tensed.

Then from where he was standing, Sukhram leaned forward, stretching his right hand to the fullest, left hand straight up in the air, perpendicular to his out stretched hand. He could barely touch the package with his lathi.

"You trying to learn Ballet dancing?", Balram asked his partner, seeing his clumsy efforts to reach the package.

"I am not doing any Balle or Kulle. I am trying to see what the package contains", Sukhram replied, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"How can you see what is inside the package if you stand one km away from it!!!", Balram growled. "Go near to it and take a look you fool".

"Yeah right, easy for you to say, seeing that you are nowhere close to it than I am. Why should I go. You go", Sukhram replied back.

"Err...Hmm...I would have happily done so any other time, but today you see I have some critical work", Balram "informed" him before scampering away. Sukhram  resumed his peacock dancing.

Nandu and I were watching this drama all along. Turning to Nandu I said,

"Nandu I don't like to boast, but I must tell you that your husband is a very brave man"

"Good for me"

"And with you as witness I want to state something"

"What?"

"We Indians, we do not bow to the diktats of the terrorists. Me, being a great Indian - a very good Nair boy - I too have the blood, B+, of my great ancestors running through my veins, those ancestors who bravely stood like a rock in front of British tanks and bullets..."

Nandu looked worried. She was afraid her husband was losing the plot. People all around were looking at us. But unmindful of all that I continued my soliloquy :-

"And if the need arises, I will rather show my well built muscular clean shave chest and gladly receive their bullets and die for my country - and  become eligible for this year's bravery awards - than run away and put my country to shame. I will make sure till my last breath that these terrorists will not win irrespective of how many bombs they blast...BHARAT MATA KI JAI ...JAI HIND!!!"

A few meters away Sukhram took out his walkie talkie

"Hello sir, situation diffused. It was a bunch of banana peels" 

Nandu looked sadly at me. "Oh poor you, there goes your bravery award"

The brave man went back to reading his horoscope.

PS: In some versions of the above story, you may hear that the protagonists actually ran out of the airport when the very word bomb was mentioned. Please don't believe all those stories. It's just misinformation spread by our enemy country to malign us brave people.

Paid Vacation

9:25 Friday morning, Pavan had yet to have his breakfast. But who cares: he had a bigger mission. Breakfasts come everyday, but an opportunity likes this comes rarely. His target would enter any moment now. Pavan had his onions ready. He maintained his stealth mode, behind the pillar, waiting patiently for his target to arrive.

And then he saw him. He had his onions ready. He had bought a kilo of them from Reliance Fresh just the previous day. He took out one:-

ROTTEN!!!

Damn you Mukesh Ambani. He made a mental note to get his refund of one rupee and twenty paise for the rotten piece. He put it back and took another one. Aha. A fresh one. Big too. He quickly started peeling it. He peeled and peeled till there was nothing left - he needed to ensure he could extract the last drop of tears using that onion. With his limited collection of onions and one already rotten, he didn't know how many onions he would require for his mission to succeed.

He then stepped out from behind the pillar, straight in front of his manager.

Pavan's manager, Venkata Subramanium, got a shock of his life.

"Pavan, my boy, what happened. Why are you crying? Shiva Shiva your eyes are so red. What happened".

"What can I say sir...my uncle...my uncle...he...he...", Pavan's voice trailed off

"What happened to your uncle", Venkat asked anxiously

"Oh sir my uncle...my only uncle...my favorite uncle...", Pavan couldn't control the flood of 'tears' rolling down his cheeks

"Yeah?"

"He fell in the bathroom last week and now the doctors say he has lost his memory..."

"Oh". Venkat looked anxious

"He stays alone in Bangalore and has no relatives to look after him", Pavan continued 'crying', secretly peeling a second onion.

"Oh I am sorry to hear that. I hope he gets well  soon. Is there anything I could do for you in this moment of great grief", Venkat asked.

Pavan had been waiting for this moment all along.

"Sure you can sir. Please approve of my transfer to Bangalore", Pavan replied, with a brightened face

Venkat looked at Pavan suspiciously

"You sure this uncle tragedy has nothing to do with your application for transfer to bangalore that you had been trying so hard for last 6 months?", Venkat asked, eyeing Pavan closely. Pavan's heart skipped a beat.

"I mean is it not very convenient that you have an uncle in Bangalore and he fell and lost his memory just when the HR (Human Resource manager) rejected your transfer to Bangalore last week?".

"Sir do you think I am so cruel that I will play with my dear uncle's brains just to get a transfer to Bangalore? See these scans if you don't believe me. Those are my uncle's brains".

Pavan handed over a bunch of scan images to Venkat. Venkat took the scans and held it above to see it clearly. All he could make out was images of what looked like bunch of worms in a mating well.

"What is this. I can't make any sense out of this", Venkat said.

"See exactly my point. My uncle's brains are so messed up that you can't even make sense out of it. Now please approve my application", Pavan begged.

"Hmm let me talk with the HR and see what can be done", Venkat replied

Pavan beamed like a 100 Watt light. He could finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. He had enough of Chennai.

The weather sucked - there is never a need to take bath in the morning, you got up drenched in your own sweat

The food sucked - thairu sadam is the undeclared state food

Last, but not the least, the work sucked - he was working on a Database project which made little sense to him even after working 2 years on it.

He had been trying all tricks in his sleeves to get a transfer to Bangalore.

He tried crashing the client database multiple times - the client appreciated him for finding some difficult bugs.

Being the primary resource Pavan was expected to attend to all critical issues even in the middle of the night. Instead he slept peacefully and the headache of solving them fell on the secondary resources - the client appreciated Pavan for managing the project well by assigning the critical issues to the correct people.

He took multiple leaves without informing his manager - he was mentioned as a shining example of a person with a good work life balance in that month's company HR newsletter.

Thus when his all attempts failed, he hit upon this grand plan as one last attempt. It has been a costly operation so far - Twenty one rupees for onions and Rs.150 as 'token of appreciation' to his friend for allowing him to borrow his great great grandfather's brain scan images.

Next one week was critical from Pavan's perspective. He had to continue giving out signals to prop up his case. So he would come everyday morning and straight away sit in his cubicle, resting his head on his hands, without doing any of his work, without replying to any mails. He knew his plan was working when one day, when he attended a client call dealing with some critical issue, the client begged him to give the phone to someone else.

A wait of one week :- but finally Pavan did achieve the impossible. He finally got his transfer to Bangalore. And what more, since getting allocated to a new project would take a lot of time, he would get all the time in this world to prepare for his MBA exams. All round good news.

2 weeks later Pavan reported at the Bangalore office. The HR informed him that they have already started the search for a project to put him into and that till that time he need not report to the office. Pavan was on cloud nine. But then as the saying goes, good things are never meant to last forever.

Pavan soon received a call from the HR.  He was asked to report at the HR's office the next day. When he arrived the next day at her office, the HR was in a very jovial mood.

"Hi Pavan, so finally we have a project for you". The HR was beaming, as if her bonus depended on getting Pavan a project. "So I am pretty sure after such a long wait you are raring to take up this project", she said smiling even more at Pavan

"You have no idea", Pavan replied, with a downcast gloomy face. He was just starting to enjoy his paid vacation.

The HR continued. "It's a Database project, similar to the one you worked in Chennai, so I guess you can easily scale up". Pavan's face became even more gloomy. "Oh no, not again. Not that piece of Database shit again. Enna Kodumai ithu Sharavanan". The HR made some calls and then turning to Pavan she said,"The Project Manager would like to interview you first before you start working on the project. The interviewer will arrive in a few minutes and then the interview will start. All the best". She then left the room. Pavan sat in the room, waiting for the his executioner to arrive. He had to do come up with something drastic to escape from this situation.

After sometime a gentleman in a well ironed suit and a tie arrived. He greeted Pavan with a firm handshake, and introduced himself as Reghuram. He took Pavan's resume from the table and scanned through it for a minute. After he was satisfied that he got a good idea of Pavan's previous work background, he turned to face Pavan


"So Pavan I can see that you have worked on a Database project for 2 years. Could you write a SQL query for me using INNER JOIN and OUTER JOIN", Reghuram asked.

"Sir the only way I know how to join is using Fevicol", Pavan replied.

Reghuram looked at Pavan for a few seconds. Did he really hear things that he just heard? He quickly regained his posture and continued

"Ok, let's say a database administrator stores the same data on different tables even though it is a waste of space. What do you think of this", Reghuram asked.

"I think that database administrator must be one big fool. And the person who recruited him must be an even bigger fool", Pavan replied.

Reghuram stared at Pavan. "Just so that you know, we use this concept in our project. And yeah I recruited that guy".

"Oh....err great...good for you...I guess", Pavan replied

"Atleast tell me you know how to write a basic SQL query to retrieve data from the database", Reghuram asked in a frustrated tone


"Hey that's easy", Pavan replied. He stared at the blank sheet of paper in front of him. Then he started scratching his head. Looked at the ceiling for few minutes, then at his toes, then back to scratching his head. This cycle continued.

"Well?", Reghuram asked after sometime

"Sorry sir, I forgot"

"You sure you have worked on a Database project before? Your resume says so", Reghuram asked, a little irritated

Pavan didn't reply. He just kept looking down.

"It's Ok. I will provide you the necessary training. Then it will be fine right?", Reghuram asked.

"I don't know sir. It took me four attempts to pass my Database paper in my BTech. I heard that they gave me the pass marks just so that no one had to undergo the torture of evaluating my paper one more time. It seems the person who evaluated my paper complained to the higher authorities that he would have to be admitted to mental hospital if he had to evaluate my paper one more time",Pavan replied with an innocent look on his face.

The HR folks were back to square one. Their search continued.  But even after countless such interviews, Pavan remained unemployed. The HR guys had met their equal in Pavan.

Finally the D-day arrived. The day when Pavan put in his papers. He had successfully cracked his MBA exam and got admitted to a reputed institute. Now there was a minor issue bothering him. Since he had not yet completed 3 years in the company, he had to pay the bond amount of around Rs.50,000 when he left the company. But then one of his friends, who had joined the company along with him and had quit the company around 2 months ago, had to pay up only Rs.20,000. So he calculated that he too must pay Rs.20,000.

Pavan came to know that he would soon be creating a record in the company's history. The very day Pavan put in his papers, the HR folks completed all the necessary formalities. The efficiency with which HR folks completed his exit formalities was unbelievable. And they say exit formalities take time. The exit interview happened the same day, in the evening. That too was completed in a matter of minutes.

"Hi Pavan, all the best for your future. Please pay Rs 60,000 and then you can leave with all the documents", the HR said.

"Sorry What. I think I heard wrong. Did you say 60,000?", Pavan asked incredulously

"Yeah. You see, the company, using it's internal formulae, calculated that recruiting you into our company was a net loss for us. So as a token amount, please pay Rs 10,000 along with the bond amount".

Pavan looked at the HR with his mouth wide open. He had never expected this anti climax - a bolt from the blue. In the end it was indeed a paid vacation. But the question is who paid who.